Topic: Susie's Journal
Group: Costa Rica TeaM
TR: S. Butterfield
I come to you trusting, breathing my faith. Please speak to me about trust between D and myself.
Legion: This is not new, that you and he should experience lack of trust. Yes, I include him, not because you trust more, or he trusts less, or in any way to measure the level of trust each has in the other. I include him because it is true, each of you has levels of distrust carried over from your many life experiences.
The first step toward balance is to eliminate fear, doubt, guilt and shame so as to look through the eyes of love. Do not be ashamed of your lack of trust. Study it. Welcome it into your heart room and learn from it. You will see the issue lies deep within, for even in accepting that you do not trust someone, you are speaking of your ability to see correctly, to see someone as human with human fears and doubts that shape behavior.
Now we should look at the lack of trust that led you to this impasse with your beloved. It is true that you trusted his assertion of your friend’s innocence? (Yes. I had questioned it earlier, then surrendered my doubt. I thought I would discover my own “shit” perception, by reading her words to him. I thought I would see how wrong I was, how I had made a mountain out of a molehill, how my “intuition” was really my own neurosis, or what D calls my “insanity,” reacting to ancient fears and doubts about myself in relationship to men.) And so you convinced yourself this needed to be done, even without speaking to him? (Yes. I thought she would be coming to the New Year’s Eve party and I wanted to settle my mind, eliminate my doubts, but in fact I was in borderline panic.) Did you? (In one sense, yes. I realized there was far more reason for D’s distress than her use of the word “sensual” to describe a feeling she had when holding his hand during the heart room circle. Still, my trust was shaken…not because I doubted D’s integrity, I know he has behaved impeccably, but because I had been persuaded that she was innocent and I was paranoid.) So the lack of trust is with your self, is it not?
It is difficult for every human being to resist adoration, whether it is the delight of adoring another, or of being adored. You know this, and you know that Sir David has the capacity to adore, and to be adored. You must learn to speak to him about these matters without past emotions shaping your tongue; the emotional intensity of pain colored by lingering hurt speaks words less likely to be understood. I think you use the word confusion. (I didn’t mean to hurt him.) You wanted to express something else? (I was expressing my shame and hurt that he saw me as “the problem.” That he couldn’t see how aggressively she was capturing his attention, and how his need to give her enough love to heal all her wounds was impacting the balance in our relationship.) So you did not distrust him, but his perception of her? (And my perception of her.) Yes, you questioned yourself, and your ability to love. (It was a bad time, New Year’s Eve. It seems my illusions crash on New Year’s Eve.) Well, that is always a good beginning for a new year in which to establish new realities…and perhaps some new illusions (chuckles). So, we have established that you trust your husband, except when he seems bamboozled by a woman? (Not just women, men, too. The truth is, I am as capable of being bamboozled as he is, experience has proved that.) Yes. The heart wants to give love, but the heart can be deceptive in the human desire to right all wrongs, heal all wounds. Do not forsake yourself.